Abnormal driving dolts and idiots can usually fall
into one or more of the following categories




Butt Huggy
Maladjusted drivers that insist on tailgating others for harrassment, pleasure, or just trying to get in closer to read that bumper sticker with small print. Huggies can usually be spotted by the numerous rear end accidents on their driving record, constantly smashed up front, the marginal 3 inch space between them and the vehicle in front of them while doing 75 mph on the freeway, or when their vehicle fills up 98% of your rearview mirror.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Captain Attitude
Drivers that think they own the road. Usually identified by the constant cursing and flailing of their middle fingers to other drivers. This can also be interpreted as showing dominance of others. Captain Attitudes will immediately pound the horn at vehicles in front of them while at a stoplight if there is no movement after 0.7 seconds after the light has turned green. They also cut off other drivers for sheer pleasure. Captain Attitudes are intimately refered to as "asshole" by other drivers. Note: Very dangerous when combined with gang affiliation or gun carriers, because they'll shoot you dead on the spot.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Comatoasties
Zombies who are totally oblivious to the road and everything around them because they are probably thinking about other things, like what to buy uncle Nimrod for his birthday. They can usually be recognized by the glazed and empty looking face that stares blankly at the road ahead of them (without noticing what's around them) .... like an open eyed comatoast victim.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Devout Idiot
Devouts are drivers you see blocking up traffic or in dangerous situations (for themselves and others) with a big risk of getting hit because they are too stubborn to go around or finding another way to their exit or turn. They are devout because they instead of finding a safe alternative, they will usually stop in the middle of oncoming traffic and wait for an opening to their exit or turn. They are idiots because they run the risk of getting hit by the drivers behind them as they block everyone.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Explorer
Named because of the wide open spaces they like to leave in front of them at stop lights, which is enough for Luis and Clark to venture through. Motivation why Explorers tend to leave huge 50100 foot gaps between them and the car in front of them remains a mystery. Maybe they have a dept perception problem? Makes you wonder when they go pee, they probably miss the toilet by 3 feet.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Gratuitous Brakers
Lead footed drivers that unfortunately have the heavy foot on the wrong pedal. Brakers tend to or just need to break more than usual (about once every 6 seconds), or break in fear of rear ending someone even though traffic in front of them is at a distant 2,000 feet away. Usually identified by the ongoing light show produced by their tail lights. Note: braking sequence may be misinterpreted as morse code messages.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Jekyl & Hyde
Multipersonality drivers who can drive perfectly normal one minute when going straight. But the next minute can radically turns into a Senior Citizen (ie drivers that turn into Grandma Kettle making a U-turn or slowing down to make a right into a drive way) when given a curve or a turn. Can usually be identified by 6 minute U-turns.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Load Gluttony
The dumptracks carrying the tons of dirt, rocks, and pebbles that is so obviously overfilled, every slightest gust of breeze will throw an assault of rocks at the following car! Cracked winshields, dents in the hood, etc. are sure to follow!
- submitted by Eliot Harrison

Mario Andretti
Speed demons with lead foots who own the old muscle car, sports car, or tricked up economy car trying to flex and show off their horses. They can usually be identified by the drag racing style starts at stop lights or the constant weaving "in and out of traffic to win the checkered flag" driving style on urban streets.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Minnesota Drivers
Minnesota drivers are characterized by the following: during the winter they learn how to drive slow and cautious; by the end of the winter they finally figured out how to do that; during the summer they try to unlearn what they learned during the winter and learn how to drive recklessly on dry asphalt so that by the beginning of the winter they can spin out, go into the ditch, and after they get pulled out by state patrol, learn how to drive slow and cautiosly again; then the cycle repeats. Lately MN drivers have aquired a few more characteristics. For the following reasons MN drivers will slam brakes to slow down: 1) person in front activated their brake lamps even though they are not slowing down much and they are 1000ft in front of them 2) there is a turn/bend ahead (no matter how slight it is) 3) on a fourlaneeachway freeway, there is at least one more car except themselves no matter where the car is on the freeway. There are other characteristics: 1) misaligned headlights 2) driving in the middle of the lanes (mostly SUVs) 3) reckless VAN and SUV driving. These drivers can usually be identified in other parts of states by flashing lights all the time, clogging up traffic, honking, being the only car to jump out at 55 MPH in front of an 18wheeler going 85MPH!
- submitted by Alexei Voloshin

Mono Flatulent
These are owners of vehicles that spew black or particularly smelly exhaust fumes. Usually identified by the black, brown, or white cloud that follows their vehicle around town. Makes you wonder who they bribed/molested/killed to pass that smog inspection? Or whether their vehicle is legally registered at all. Don't stick around behind them for too long less you desire to die of secondhand smoke.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Mr & Mrs Crap
Bad drivers that just drive like crap in general. Usually characterized by sloppy as hell driving, turning, signaling, etc. Never pays notice to anyone else on the road because they have the attention span of a yam. Sadly enough minorities make up a majority of this group because somehow road signs and respect for other drivers just don't click with them. Anyhow, stay away from these drivers because they will hit you inadvertently.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Paranoid Drivers
The people when they see a cop who has pulled somebody over on the side slam on the brakes. Some how, these idiots think the cop is going to give up on the person they have just pulled over, jump in the car, and fly off in a hurry just to catch them.
- submitted by Eliot Harrison

Phonies
Yapping fools that insist that they can drive and talk on their cellular or car phone while they drive. But what ends up happening is they will either hold up traffic with their slow and unattentive driving or start massive accidents. Phonies are very dangerous because they aren't paying attention to the road, and can usually be identified by the bent neck, craddling the phone.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Poster Child for the Center for the Hearing Impaired
Expressive delinquents that need to drive with windows rolled down no matter how cold it is so that they can blast their bass pounding stereo system for all to hear. They are usually be identified by the tricked up car, blairing rap, house, hiphop, top 40, classic rock, or cultural music. Can always be spotted at the main cruise strip in town trying to show off, attract, and deafen members of the opposite sex. Will be the focus of future scientific research to discover whether strong sound waves can actually kill brain cells.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Pseudo Speed Racer
There's always that one car in the fast lane thinking they are going fast enough to justify being in the fast lane. In reality, they're either going the speed limit or slower. They can easily be recognized by the line of cars behind them or the numerous cars swirving around them in attempts to pass up these lame and pathetic slowpokes. Pseudo speed racers are usually delusioned into thinking they're going fast, which is due to either pure and utter stupidity, or poor perception of speed, called the "turtle syndrome".
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Reckless Fiend
Unlike the Mario Andretti's, who can somewhat control their high speed mischief, these drivers are just plain reckless and are a danger to themselves and the general public. Usually identified by the high speeds on slow roads, doing 80 mph on sharp curves, cutting off other vehicles dangerously close, and can usually be spotted wrapped around a tree after they lose control and spin off the road.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Screener
These are people who know when you are driving fast and you need to get into the next lane in order to pass the person in front of you, the person behind you in the lane you want to get into starts speeding up just so that you can't get in there, even though it's obvious you will be passing them eventually!
- submitted by Eliot Harrison

Senior Citizen
This catagory covers anyone that is a senior citizen or just drives like one. Usually characterized by the slow, conservative, under the speed limit driving style, otherwise referred to as "looking for an address" driving. May exhibit the constant turn signal even though no intentions of turning are evident.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Squeezers
Merging is just simple fact of life. Everyone has to do it. But there are those out there that believe they're gods and can ignore the lines to wait their turn. So when everyone else is waiting in line waiting to merge, these geniuses drive past the crowd, unusually onto the shoulder) and force themselves in up ahead. Squeezers can usually be spotted on the shoulder driving past the line and trying to cut. Not only is this dangerous, it's quite annoying.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Stiff Leg Syndrome
A lot of times traffic jams aren't really necessary. They're caused by dolts that slow down because there is a police car, tow truck, or another car pulled over on the shoulder. Ok, no need to slow down below the speed limit just because you see them! But mainly they just slowing down to stare at an accident, big or small. Hey, unless JimmyJoeBob was decapitated or a car flipped over 5 times and caught fire, why even bother slowing down unless it's really spectacular or someone is hurt and needs help? So whenever these incidents are encountered, drivers with Stiff Leg Syndrome develope a stiff leg, causing them to extend their leg onto the brake pedal and slow down. This causes everyone behind them to slow down and reducing the velocity flow of traffic. They can easily be spotted by the heavy braking whenever passing an accident or a car on the shoulder.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Think Now Do Later
This covers anyone who turns on their signals lights to change lanes, turn, etc. but do not so until 1 - 5 minutes later. It's like they're thinking about changing lanes, but the brain signals don't activate the muscle neurons until much later. These drivers are dangerous because one can never predict when they are signaling to do. Beware!
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Trucker Pedophile Wannabes
These are those old (possibly midlife crisis), fat, lard-assed, ugly guys who drive semis or trucks and slow down just to whistle at a teenaged or 20s girl at the bus stop. They'll slow down, even with a bunch of cars impatient behind them, or, if they are at a stop light, they forget to go once the light turns green cause they're too damn busy gawking at the girls. They're also known to give some unintelligible comments, or try to talk to girls in the cars beside them, and can be usually responded with a middle finger, a nice few vulgur words of our own, and maybe some garbage thrown at them.
- submitted by Patrick Maas

Truck Racer
Like Speed Racer, but with tractor trailing 18 wheelers who think they are in a Lamborghini. The ones that will weave in and out of lanes at excessive speeds of 85 mph. The worst thing about those trucks is that they have a hard time seeing cars next to them, and will start making their turns while you are still in the lane!
- submitted by Eliot Harrison

Turn Blockers
Drivers that tend to waft way over to the right while at a light, blocking the right turn lane for those needing to make right turns. For some reason blockers aren't happy staying in their own lanes, and like to drift over to other lanes. They can usually be identified by the queue of angry drivers behind them that can't pass by to turn.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Unmotivated Lane Changers
You're driving along on a three lane (or more) road on the far left lane with only a car in front of you in the middle lane and the road is clear as the eye can see. Suddenly, without rhyme or reason, the driver of that vehicle changes lanes into yours, forcing you to slow down to avoid slamming into them, or change lanes to pass them. Now, usually there will certain reasons why a person changes lanes: moving to the middle where it's safer to manuver, getting out of the way of oncoming merging traffic, passing up a slower vehicle, etc. Unfortunately unmotivated lane changers usually change lanes for no reason at all which is very annoying since they will usually invade your lane space.
- submitted by Jim Trinh

Yellow Bellies
This works both ways. First, a green light turns to yellow with obviously plently of time for the person in front of you, you, and the car behind you to make without running the red light, yet the guy in front of you slams on the brakes (often a screaching halt) just so that they don't run the red light, only to find themselves screached into the middle of the road? Second, the opposite, where the people who obviously aren't going to make the light will slam on the gas with some sort of ambition that the light will wait for them!
- submitted by Eliot Harrison