WARNING: The following excerpt contains extreme and gratuitous profanity (beyond anything you might imagine and not for the faint of heart)

   High Rollers
It is unfortunate we have to share the roads with mother fucking dumber than shit rednecks who insist on raising their pickups, sport utility vehicles, or 4x4's really high. Why is this unfortunate? Because the noisy-ass and rock cradling tires they mount on those fucked up mutant transport vehicles usually spit up flying rocks and debris, hitting innocent and unsuspecting vehicles driving behind them.

At high speeds, these flying "bullets" can easily crack any windshield, put a serious dent in your hood, or simply just give you more chips on your paint (seriously decreasing the value of your vehicle). And the bigger the projectile, the larger the crack/dent. On top of all this, they always drive with a bit of a Mickey Rourke or Tom Cruise in "Days of Thunder" type of attitude doing interpretations of Mad Max on the road. My solution? A simple 9mm lead bullet to the base of their fucking pee-wee sized brain sheltering skulls should do the trick. While this is not entirely legal, at least not in most parts of the country, save Los Angeles (murder was legalized in Los Angeles in 1995 with the not guilty verdict of wife beater/killer, O.J. Simpson), it should be very much considered.

Why do I have such monk-like devotion towards advocating this cause you might wonder? Well, I've always received minor damages from these contingencies caused by these pig fucking farm boys. But what happened to poor ol' Vivian sent me over the edge. A while back I was unlucky enough to be driving on the freeway (northbound on Highway 85) when a "I masturbate in front of small children" cretin driving a raised pick-up changed lanes into mine right in front of me. Low and behold this necrophiliac animal butt fucker sends the mother of all projectiles into my front windshield, creating a 3 foot spider crack like Ace Ventura's car at the beginning of the first movie. You know, the kind of pattern you get when you look up a picture of a snowflake. Anyway, I was fortunate it didn't penetrate the windshield, otherwise I might have ended up dead, or worse: with glass shards in my face and messing up hair! In the following week I was forced to replace the windshield because it was way too dangerous to leave alone (it effectively hindered my view of the road and was visibly disfiguring to poor Vivian). The so called cheapest replacement ended up setting me back $600! $600 for curved glass!? You'd think this comes with 0.387 kilos of cocaine (post marketed street value of course) or something! I've received many cracks from raised vehicles before, but it was never this severe. Of course the "I fuck my neighbor's cat" Nazi bastard wasn't liable for any of this so I couldn't claim any sort of insurance or possibly make him pay for it. I simply drove up beside him and gave him a dirty look that would make even Arnold from "The Terminator" flinch. Of course all the mean time the "I've trained my hamsters to give me head" retarded driver has no clue what's going on.That's a certain fact because when you sit on your ugly face while driving, you usually don't have a fucking clue.

In conclusion, I think these "I used peanut shells as an athletic support" losers should be tortured and shot. And not just regular torture. We're talking taking a chainsaw to their limbs and then pulling out each vein one by one from their remaining stumps. Then putting a mini-torch to their eye sockets and watching their corneas turn smoldering black and melt away. Then starting from the chest, you slice a piece of skin and then slowly pull down until the entire epidermis layer is peeled off. After applying generous amounts of alcohol and salt, snip off each muscle strain one by one. To finish it off, take a rusty, dull hacksaw and slowly cut the neck, starting with the adam's apple so you can hear the crunching noise. But then again, that's just me. You may have your own style of self-indulgence.

I know these donkey porkers aren't liable if any of these cases were to go to a court of law, but it's sad we don't have a law banning these vehicles or preventing driver's licenses from falling into the hands of these "I have a stick up my ass and it's penetrated my brain" morons. But why can't we retaliate against these pricks (legally)? I'd love to carry a hand gun and whip it out every time some cock sucking butt puppet donates a "crack" on my car. I'd simply just chase after him and gleefully repay some "cracks" in return with my Glock 9mm to his vehicle. Mind you my cracks may possibly penetrate the vehicle and could quite possibly kill the "squirrels get nervous when I drop my pants" driver outright. But hey, that's life right? I'm sure I speak for everyone, especially my fellow car enthusiasts who have lowered vehicles (and more proned to get hit), when I say we should ban these vehicles because of they are a definate road hazard.


   Road Jams
You're driving down a familiar road. A road you've driven over hundreds of times before, when suddenly your vehicle lurches around and nearly collaspes from some gigantic hole in the ground. "What the holy fuck?!" you're thinking to yourself. Then you look around and there are some barely visible Caltrans (the California government road maintanance division) signs telling you they were doing some construction.

What the fuck is up with this shit? I mean, must they dig up the road and not finish it, leaving a crater the size of Alpha-Centari on the road? I have to drive over this shit, Dr. Morou! Did you know that if you hit a bad enough hole, it can screw up your vehicle's alignment? What's worse is they can bend and destroy aftermarket wheels. Then you have to go to your local rip-off shop and get it re-aligned again for about $90 or get the wheel repaired. Drivers of lowered vehicles are especially susceptable and will prematurely wear out suspension. These road construction sheep fuckers shouldn't start something they can't finish in the same day, or at least put a largely visible sign for drivers to watch for these hazards. But then again if you sat on your ass 80% of the day like these "I pork cattle" retarded road-side dwellers, you wouldn't get much done either.

And what's up with re-paving roads that just got the make-over last year? I know they're doing this to give themselves something to do, but shit, it puts a lot (and I mean a lot) of small, leftover rocks and gravel on the road. And when you drive over them you can hear them smacking against your wheel wells, wondering if they might go beyond that and damage the lower sides of your vehicle. These gravel bits also embed themselves into your tires, making for a crappy ride. Plus it's a total waste of tax payer money. Why the hell do I want money going to re-paving a perfectly smooth road when other crappy roads are out there? These so-called beaucratic leaders should be shot through the head and then beatan to a pulp.

Speaking of which let's talk about the huge jams we get into once in a while because these slimy road rats decide to close a couple of lanes to do some "construction" in the middle of rush hour traffic. Yeah, professor, that's really smart. Many times I'd wish instead of following the detours they set up I'd drive right through them and run over the dickless fucks who are usually sitting around sun bathing on their fat ass.

In terms of complaints, there is nothing much we as tax paying citizens can do about this leech of society problem. Caltrans is pretty much a established institution in California. But it just surprises me with so many freeway shootings no one shoots at Caltrans workers more often. Heck, I'd certainly wouldn't mind putting out hunting licenses for shooting and killing of useless rectal-heads of society like these homos are. And again, this is just my opinion, some of you may think differently.


   Turbulent Times
Speed bumps. About 75% of all parking lots have these pieces of lumpy shit. Sure, they're a good deterent for some eager assholes to go tromping around the parking lot at 75 mph. But they can also be a fucking annoyance and damaging to lower than normal vehicles.

Well, you've got your gentle, low sloped speed bumps. Hey, I don't mind those. But what's with the fucken small mountain I encounter sometimes? You ever see those things? It's like large ass land whales that beach themselves on pavement dicking with your suspension. Sure, I could run over these shits if I didn't give a flying fuck about my vehicle suspension. But since I have a lowered suspension, my vehicle requires a bit more Mother Teresa type of care.

These butt-fucks are so huge they end up scraping the bottom of my car if I'm not too careful. But sometimes I am and they're just so high they'll scrape my car anyway. Fucking shit! There goes my exhaust system or worse ... my fucking gas tank! Just think, I could blow myself up going over a mongoloid speed bump. Whoever architected these monsters should be strung out and have a large bat inserted up their ass. Then sit them in a car and drove over the speed bumps they created.

On a more serious note, speed bumps cause risky delays for emergency vehicles. Heavy vehicles like ambulances and fire trucks have to slow down to a crawling stop to safely go over these things. When minutes, sometimes seconds count on saving a life or a house, you don't want to be delayed by little pieces of ground shit.

But no! It's selfish pricks that complain that cars are going too fast and are a danger to children. Well shit, if their kids had enough common sense to actually watch where they're going, maybe they wouldn't be road kill. So in short, speed bumps are useless facets of society that were started by people who's attention span of a tomatoe can't watch out where they're going.